In my anatomy class we have come to that part in the academic year in which we learn about the digestive system. Something related to that is an assignment where we have to track EVERYTHING that we eat for an entire week. To record this, our teacher handed out two front and back page charts where you say all of what you ate, how much it weighed, the date, the time, etc. I have filled out what I have eaten for breakfast and lunch today and I’ve already filled up 1/3 of a paper. I think I’m going to eat more than two pages this week…
Coach: “Hey you have to run the 4x4 today, the other girl got sick.”
Coach walks away and I look at my friend.
Me: “Sick my black ass.”
Wait for it…
My Friend: “Wait you’re not black! I get it!”
This is a TRUE STORY from back in my high school sophomore sex education class…
2 people in class passed out within minutes of each other and being in a science classroom the teacher thought there could be a gas leak so we were required to exit the classroom. Then everybody was forced to learn about penises and vaginae outside, where students and staff could walk by and overhear at any given moment.
Boy I know coming back from the bathroom: “Why is your class standing outside?”
Me: “We think there was a gas leak so we had to ejaculate the classroom.”
Boy: “Did you just say EJACULATE the classroom?”
Me: “Oh, well I guess this is what happens when gas and sex education mix…”
Last night I had the strangest dream. I dreamt that I was waking up in my room, my bed, everything was the same; but there were these small little gnats swarming the place so you could barely see, and on the walls there were hundreds if not thousands of locusts.
This really freaked me out as you can tell because gnats happen to be third plague that God placed upon Egypt and locusts the eighth. I’m really wondering what this dream was about because I have nothing to do with Egypt, Pharaohs, or Israelites. Have I been too much of a sinner and this is a look of what my punishment may be? God save me.
First off, who in their right mind found out what is poisonous to humans? I mean sure back in the olden days where God told you what was edible and what wasn’t it makes sense; but now-a-days, what you’re supposed to say oh yeah the inside of that fruit is good but don’t eat the skin or you’ll die; how do you figure that out? So here’s a weird and unrelated (sort of) scenario…
What happens when you eat poison ivy? On the outside if you touch it you will develop a very uncomfortable and itchy rash. So would your insides just swell up and become itchy allowing you to finally not sound like a crack head when you say, “My insides are itchy,” or would you just die because your esophagus swells up not allowing you to even breathe. Then again that all has to do with the assumption that your mucous membrane (inside lining) acts the same way as your skin in response to coming into contact with poison ivy.
Anyways these were just my random thoughts of the day; anybody willing to volunteer to try this out? But seriously kids, repeat as you read, “I promise, not to try this at home, I also promise not to try this at anyone else’s home, and I promise just not to even attempt to try this anywhere.”
Chocolate has a melting point that is only six degrees away from human body temperature so let’s put air in it to make it melt faster!
This is the same concept as potato chip makers actually putting potato chips in my bag of air. You’re making me pay more for your fancy label and commercial just to get less satisfaction out of your product? Hershey’s you must be trippin’. All that weed you’re smoking might get you so high you think you’re flying in Air Delight, but I want my damn chocolate nice and thick.